Every dinner party has one. The HODLer. The Paper Hands. The Nocoiner. The Altcoiner. The New Convert. Hodl the cat has watched them all — from the couch, without blinking — and he finally has something to say.
Cold open — Hodl, from the couch
The cat. The cat sees everything.
I have lived in this house for four years. I have attended every dinner party, every holiday gathering, every “we should really talk about this” conversation that somehow always ends up being about Bitcoin. I do not speak. I do not have to. I have a ₿ on my collar and I have been watching.
What follows is a documentary. The names have been changed. The wine has not.
· · ·
Meet the cast
🥇
The HODLer
Bought in 2017. Never sold. Not once. Currently worth either a fortune or a lesson, depending on the week. Checks the price while making eye contact with you.
🍷 Aged Scotch. Been sitting on it since 2017.
😔
The Paper Hands
Sold in 2018. Said it was a rational decision. Has been doing the math on what that would be worth today approximately once a week ever since.
🍸 Third martini. Dirty. Very dirty.
🙅
The Nocoiner
Has not bought any crypto. Is extremely confident about this. Brings up FTX within six minutes of any conversation. Orders the most expensive thing on the menu.
🍷 Expensive Burgundy. Paid for with a card that charges them 2.9%.
🚀
The Altcoiner
Very excited about something. It changes every six weeks. Currently it is a token with a dog on it. Last month it was a token with a rocket on it. Before that, a frog.
🍸 Cocktail with an umbrella. Named after the token.
📱
The New Convert
Bought $50 of Bitcoin last Tuesday after seeing something on their phone. Has approximately 4,000 questions. Is asking all of them tonight. Genuinely, adorably enthusiastic.
🍸 White wine. First glass. Very open-minded.
· · ·
Episode 1: “The Price Came Up”
It always starts the same way. Someone mentions, innocently, that they read something about Bitcoin. Maybe it was up. Maybe it was down. It doesn’t matter. The room has heard the word and now there is no going back.
Confessional
The HODLer
🍷 Scotch, neat — third pour of the evening
“I don’t even bring it up anymore. I don’t have to. Someone always does. And then I just… I just wait. Because I know what’s coming. The FTX comment. The ‘but isn’t it used for crime’ thing. And I sit there with my drink and I think: I have been sitting here since 2017 and the number is still higher than when I bought it. And I smile and I say ‘that’s a really good point’ and I take a sip.”
Hodl, from the couch
I watch the HODLer the way I watch pigeons from the window. Patient. Certain of the outcome. Unbothered.
· · ·
Episode 2: “The FTX Comment”
It takes, on average, four minutes and thirty seconds. The Nocoiner swirls their Burgundy. They have been waiting for this moment since they arrived.
Confessional
The Nocoiner
🍷 Burgundy, 2018. Excellent vintage. Paid full price.
“I’m not saying crypto is bad. I’m saying I did my research. I looked into it. And then FTX happened. And I think that says everything, doesn’t it? I mean. Doesn’t it? I’m just asking questions. I’m a very open-minded person. I just think people should be careful. I think about this a lot. I think about it while I pay my 2.9% card fee, and I think: at least I’m careful.”
Hodl, from the couch
FTX was a fraud. Sam Bankman-Fried stole money. He is in prison. Bitcoin did not steal anything. Bitcoin is a protocol. I am a cat and I understand this distinction. The Nocoiner does not, or chooses not to. I watch them pour more wine and say nothing. At some point during their third point about volatility, they notice me looking at them from the couch. I do not look away. I do not blink. My eyes are very large and very round and I am making full use of them. The Nocoiner loses their train of thought. They say “anyway” and reach for their glass. I continue watching. This is something I am extremely good at.
· · ·
Episode 3: “The Math”
The Paper Hands has been quiet. This is never a good sign. The Paper Hands is never quiet unless they are doing the math. And they are always doing the math.
Confessional
The Paper Hands
🍸 Third martini. Extra olive. The olive is doing a lot of work tonight.
“I sold at $6,200. I thought I was being smart. I had done the research. I said: this is clearly going to zero, and I am going to be the rational one who got out before everyone else. And then it went to $69,000. And I did the math, and I… I don’t do the math anymore. I’ve asked my therapist not to bring it up. I still do the math. I do the math in the shower. For a while, I stopped taking showers. I’m doing the math right now.”
Hodl, from the couch
The Paper Hands is not a villain. The Paper Hands made a human decision in a moment of fear. I have knocked things off counters out of pure impulse and I understand regret. What I do not understand is why they keep doing the math if they have asked their therapist not to bring it up. I watch them stare into their martini. The olive bobs. We make eye contact briefly. I look away first, out of respect — or maybe because I am a cat and that is what I do.
· · ·
Episode 4: “The Token”
The Altcoiner has been on their phone for eleven minutes. This is normal. They are checking something. They are always checking something. Tonight the something has a name.
Confessional
The Altcoiner
🍸 Something blue. It came with a small plastic dog on the rim of the glass.
“Okay but hear me out. This one is different. It’s not like the others. It has actual utility. The team is really strong, I’ve looked at the whitepaper, well, I’ve looked at the summary of the whitepaper, someone explained it on YouTube and it made a lot of sense. The tokenomics are… I can’t really explain the tokenomics right now but they’re good. It’s got a dog. The community is really positive. It’s a whole vibe. I got in early. I think I got in early. I might have gotten in at the top. But I think I got in early.”
Hodl, from the couch
I do not have opinions about altcoins. I have a ₿ on my collar. I was not consulted about the small plastic dog on the rim of the glass. I was not consulted about most things that happen in this house. I watch. I wait. The token will do what it will do. The Altcoiner will find another one next month. There is always another one next month.
· · ·
Episode 5: “The Questions”
The New Convert has been holding their wine glass with both hands for twenty minutes. They have a question. They have had this question since before dinner. They have been waiting for a pause in the conversation that has not come. They have decided not to wait anymore.
Confessional
The New Convert
🍸 White wine, first glass, still almost full. Too excited to drink.
“Okay so I bought some. Just a little. $50. And then I read about wallets and now I have more questions. Like… where does it actually live? Is it in my phone? Is it in the cloud? What if my phone breaks? What’s a seed phrase? Why is it twelve words? Why do people write it on metal? Is my $50 safe? Should I have bought more? Should I not have bought any? What’s Lightning? Can I use it at a restaurant? I heard there’s a restaurant that takes Bitcoin. Is that real? That seems amazing. I have so many questions.”
Hodl, from the couch
The New Convert is my favorite. Not because they are right about everything — they are not right about everything, they are right about almost nothing yet, but they are asking. They are genuinely asking with excitement — like a golden retriever who has seen a canary for the first time. Every question they have is a real question that every person in this room had once and has since pretended they were born knowing the answer to. I watch the HODLer straighten up. I watch the Nocoiner's jaw tighten. I watch the Paper Hands order a fourth martini. And I think: the New Convert is the only person in this room who is actually learning anything tonight. That, and me. I have been learning since 2021. I have a ₿ on my collar and I have been paying attention.
· · ·
Next week on The Real Hodlers…
“The price moved.”
“Which way?”
“I’m not saying which way.”
“Was it up?”
“I’m not saying which way.”
“It was up. Look at your face. It was up.”
[The Nocoiner refreshes something on their phone. Twice.]
[The Paper Hands does the math.]
[Hodl watches from the couch. Hodl is always watching.]
The cat sees everything. The cat says nothing. The cat has a ₿ on his collar and he has been paying attention since before most of you knew what a wallet was.
If you recognized yourself in any of the above — welcome. There is no wrong place to be in this story, except possibly doing the math in the shower on a nightly basis. The New Convert always had the right idea. Ask the questions. All of them. That’s what we’re here for.
Start where the New Convert started.
Free crypto education for real people, real businesses, real life. No jargon. No judgment. Hodl approved.
Disclaimer: This article is satirical and intended for entertainment and educational purposes only. All characters are fictional archetypes and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental and probably a little bit funny. It does not constitute financial, investment, or life advice. OrangeTill is a payment software company. Please drink responsibly. The cat has no comment.